My diaries on introspection-30/09/2008

I engage in a few minutes of meditation every morning and I always find it a squeeze time when I have one task or the another in the routine of getting ready for office. This has been particularly so because of my nomadic ways in the past 4 years when I have had to stay away from family and thus was frequently a poor planner of my morning routine.

After marriage, I have more or less settled down and my morning routine is much more planned. It is such a relief to have a room to myself for this activity of being able to soak in tranquil waters for just so many moments. As people before me have said, the waters of tranquility are like an ocean with few ripples. Imagine still air, smooth waterfront and the horizon in front of you with light filling every inch of the being that is you. Imagine the same light pervading the surrounding with no apparent source. There is no sun and no moon and only light.

Now imagine all this is yours for a few minutes and then imagine how I feel when I have to get back to this rambunctious world of mine. Now you know how I feel.



My diaries on introspection-29/09/2008

I had a chance to host lunch for few of my friends yesterday and the realisation has been that I am slowly becoming less and less of a person who can make merry with friends. I can do loads of work and probably talk on aspects which have the potential to pose questions to my present understanding of things that concern me. But to engage in casula banter is something which is increasingly difficult for me.

I have written about this before, but I am of the feeling that it is becoming more and more apparent. It has recently come to the fore with respect to new relationships that I have cultivated. One example could be that with my wife’s brother, Mahesh. I have absolutely no qualms or any thing against him. But I have not been able to discuss or probably more simply put, socialise with him as I would have liked to.

I have thought about this and the more I think about it, the more I am of the opinion that I cannot talk superfluosly. I need a point of conversation and I need to be able to connect with the person. But with Mahesh, I find him listening to me most of the times and I am not able to gauge his tendencies or his psyche because he drops not too many a word and is not very expressive with his state of mind. I admire outspoken people as I am never averse to ‘agree to disagree’ as ‘what’ is never as important as ‘why’.

The road is dark and as I seek light ahead of me, I realise that I am afraid of the forst no more. Let them be and let me seek the light that eludes me. Thank people for the sense of the direction which is my lone torch. Let me be.

My diaries on Introspection-27/09/2008

One very nice thing which has happened in recent times is that I have my personal library with me consisting of about 60-80 books in about three categories. I picked up the book by Adam Smith and decided that it is not the best book to read before I sleep. It is probably a book to be read in daytime and with a lot of energy to assimilate, ponder, extrapolate and then continue reading. Probably it is book which needs to be read a number of times. Now I picked up a book on ‘Thirukural’ and a book on ‘Kundalini yoga’. Both the books were on subjects very close to my being.

Now something interesting which happened can be explained on two planes of thought. On one hand is the thing about books that you need to read them again about 6 months after you read them. The observations are simply fantastic. For example you would have read a particular idea sometime back. If you have had the opportunity to act on that in the ensuing few months or probably years and you read the same idea again, the kind of mental recapitulation and the rapid visualization of various events in the application of this idea by you is something which gives an enormous sense of satisfaction and also kind of acts as a positive reaffirmation to give a fresh lease of life to the idea in your mind. Simply amazing. It is something worth doing once in a while.

The second interesting thing is knowledge gained through books. This is particularly relevant for books on philosophy. After sometime, you realize that there is probably a limit to what you can read. What you read is like a mere advertisement to engage in useful introspection. I will stop at saying this as I will be defeating the purpose of this portion of the write-up if I try to elucidate anymore.

Pardon me. I am still like that only.

My diaries on introspection-25/09/2008

For a long time, I have been wondering about the reason behind my psyche. One of the things being the origin of my principals. If I said something, how did I really come to it?

I have had some half-baked answers for this questions when and wherever I had noticed a particular facet of myself play out in conversations and more importantly in my overall behaviour.

*Sound of tape rewinding to particular spot 

Yesterday, I was searching for a book from my library to read before I sleep. I picked up volume 2 from the complete works of ‘Swami vivekananda’. As I started reading the book, I could literally see bits and pieces of myself from the book. It was like watching a movie with small chapter in which each chapter is oneself in a different attire. the attires miught change, but the person remains you. Imagine these short movies spilling out from between the pages of the book when you twirl the book. Come on, use your imagination. Now add some back-ground music of a retro 80’s music as most of the short movies must be from the past. 

Interestingly, I had picked up the 8 volume collection to improve my reading speed for CAT preparation. More interestingly, I had imbibed the messages while I was working on my reading speed. This act of mine is single-handedly an imprrtant event, whose import made itself apparent only yesterday.

Life never ceases to surprise.

My diary on introspection-23/09/2008

Lately I have been under time constraints due to my marriage, sister’s marriage and my vacation. This has been followed by setting up house (with a major contribution from my parents) and then getting back to work. Now that most of the things have been sorted out, I can wallow in married life and bask in the sun.

I have time for my family and meditation.

I have observed that I speak very little about meditation. Even though I am a practitioner for close to 5 years now, I hesitate to speak about the subject. The reason being that it is such a vast subject that no matter how much I know, it is still so small compared to what I want to learn. It is so abstract and subjective and I am mostly clearifying to myself the essence of my knowledge and beyond that I try to look at a appropriate way to communicate the same. I have rarely spoken to friends about my passion and whatever little I speak usually gets doused in liberal doses of banter and the rest just fades into distraction.

what a tremendous waste of time? The more imprtant question is who is listening?

Nostalgia, in a positive sort of way.

In the past month or more since I have posted, I have had numerous chances to write about something which struck me as interesting and something worth writing. But I have just not been able to put them down on my key board. Let me abstain from farcical reasons of time and effort. The moot point is that they were not emotional enough to move me.

Why am I writing now? What am I writing now?

It is because I miss time. Moments have escaped me on many an occassion and now  they pull at me every once in a while. Imagine if you can see events in the past and you wish it were slightly different. It is definitley not in a sad way, but in a whimsical sort of way.

Imagine if you can see it the way you want and you start taking notice of things in a sort of a short movie and you start smiling or probably feeling sad. I had felt that way on more than one occassion in the last few months. Some very important things happened in my life and I have looked back at them and tried to play with them to play out a different sort of movie. Instead of meandering in memories and feeling bad about what was and what wasn’t, I play director and tell everybody what to do. It was fun and I am sure it will be fun if you try it too. I would say that this is some sort of constructive nostalgia.

Try it sometime.