Uh?

Scene 1:

Friend to me: “…Don’t be romantic with women…”

Scene 2:

Friend to me: “…Why can’t you just have fun…”

They may seem disjoint. Maybe a little bit of context will help. Time and again I have felt this overpowering boredom when I am forced to indulge in banter. This is particularly the case with people whom I have never or seldom met. I get bored in matter of few minutes, unless the person I am speaking to is as genuine in the conversation, as I consider myself to be.

I believe in conversations and would like to share. I am equally demanding with the person I am speaking to. Under these circumstances, I find it difficult to smile and languish my time when nothing catches my attention. When something catches my attention, I am interested, and my interest shows. I behave irrespective of creed and gender. It is my misfortune that people weighed down by social prejudices have to misinterpret my interest and this has been the reason for many a misadventure in the social realm.

Recently, I had come across an interesting person and had been quite frank in my expressions. Why would I care if she is engaged or about to marry. I never knew it in the first place and my intentions were never in conflict with those constructs. Unfortunately, fiction played it out differently and my interest became a shadow of what it truely was.

When paper burns all the truth dies with it. Ashes are all that remain.

Reflections of the mind

I had listed some things that I had wanted to do after comin over to Madras. One of those was to make a sketch atleast once a month. Two days back, I had this image of a man kneeling down and trying to get up. I used the same image to make a sketch today. Strangely, I added a singular lamp for light and the man was actually trying to get up in the direction of the light. There is a shroud like darkness throughout and the man and the lamp are the only two objects in the sketch. When I had completed it, I realised that the sketch reflected what I am going through.

I am striving under certain constraints to reach a goal. It is so interesting that Art reflects life. In the sense, saying it one thing and seeing it is another.

Very interesting.

Abuse

August 15th, 2007.

I laze on my sofa with work to do and am watching television. I flip channels and happen to see a rendition of the Indian National Anthem by Pandit Chaurasia. I stand up in attention as I consider myself patriotic for one, and that standing up for the National Anthem to be an expression of patriotism.

I lie down on the sofa once i is over and flip channels to see the same anthem being played out on some other channel. It is not long before I realise that the same rendition will be played out throughout the day in various channels.

I am now thinking if it is patriotic to stand up for the Anthem throughout the day when it is played on various channels. The second question is the very objective of playing the National Anthem throughout the day on various channels. Is independence day a ruse for BharatBala productions to make a fancy rendition of the National Anthem when all I end up doing is change the channel whenever I see it, because of fatigue?

No wonder the media is increasingly losing it’s image in different walks of life.

Me ‘n’ you

Standing outside the Anna International Airport, Chennai. Witnessing another batch of Indians in the process of exodus to America. Among the couple of things running through my mind, I wanted to know how my cousin sister, Mahalakshmi, was handling relationships in her life. I was curious.

Started speaking to her and she said something very interesting.

‘If you want to know the why of everything, you might miss out on the moment’

I guess that is very true. But on the flip side, I do not want to mix a casual attitude to life with ‘living in the moment’. I am not sure if I know what living in the moment means. It might mean doing what you like best without too much thought about the consequences of your actions. I am not sure about this definition, but this is the popular notion that I can see whenever this topic comes up for discussion. I ponder if it is merely an expression of frustration or an expression of submission or rather a suppliant attitude towards ‘fate’.

Any ideas?

Breakdown

This is one big failure. I mean there are failures which stare you in the face and then there are those which go unnoticed and are just standing by, looking around, irrespective of whether you take notice or not. Relationships usually fall into the second category. It is because relationships take time and relationships are never very predictable. Owing to selective retention, we can assume whatever we want to and then one fine day, it all falls down like a pile of bricks.

I think I have failed as a brother. I knew it for quite some time, all the while praying that it is otherwise. I have failed because I have been reduced to a decorative item in a relationship strained by distances. I have failed because of reasons beyond my control, but it hurts that it should happen to me. Think as I may that it doesn’t matter, I cannot but feel bad about a relationship that took more than half my age to grow and wither. Somebody once told me that I take myself too seriously. I would say that I take only myself seriously. All others are beyond me. I hope you understand the differemce between pomposity and attempts at rationalisation.

I am searching,

Among the pile of bricks,

Bricks with some marks,

Not of age, but of maturity,…

Why search some may ask,

I search because I feel,…

I have a right to,

Don’t I?

Religion

Had about an hour and a half to kill in between meetings, in Madras.

Set out to Ramakrishna Math situated in Mandaveli. I returned to this place afer a gap of close to 5 years. Memories apart, I went to the free footwear stall and deposited my footwear there. I cam out of the stall to see a few women chit chatting in a low tone and going in a direction which led to the rear of the Math. I did not apply myself to the phenomenon and proceeded inside the Math. I sat down somewhere only to be disturbed by an elderly gentleman who liked it for the apparent reason that he could place his bag in a comfortable position (??!). I got disurbed by a phone call next and had to come outside the Math to attend the call. As I was speaking over the telephone I realised that the women were going in circles around the Math.

I felt rage and laughter at the same time. Rage that they would forget the point of coming to the Math and go around in circles as they would any other Temple in South India, and laughter that they wait in the precincts while all the action is inside. When will knowledge shine on them so that they may embrace all that is to offer.

What is religion?

Religion is each unto themselves!

Where is my paper? 

Time undone,…

Eleven day lost due to illness,…Give me a break!